One of the first things they warn you about when studying abroad is Culture Shock. It's the state of euphoria you feel when you're in a new place for the first time, be that a new country, city, state, school, etc. It's followed by shock as you realize how different it is from your home. Sometimes this brings with it depression, anxiety, homesickness, and not wanting to continue But then comes the negotiation and acceptance as you come to realize that it's going to be different, and that's okay.
When I did my four week French immersion camp when I was a sophomore in high school, I didn't experience culture shock in the same way as I know people do in other countries, but it was still an incredibly hard adjustment, being away from home for the first time. But more than that, I was without a phone, computer, anything in English, or any communication home save for a phone call once a week. If I could get through four weeks of that when I was fourteen, surely I can do this no problem. After all, now I have a phone and computer. I can call home whenever I want. I actually speak french now!
No one is immune to culture shock. Granted, it looks and feels different for everyone, and maybe it's barely there, but I think that everyone to some degree experiences it when doing something like this. For me, it really hit when the wifi in my home stay shut off. I know, I know, first world problems. But it was hard! (And it's happened again since, but now it's up and running, and hopefully stays that way, fingers crossed) I couldn't check my weather, the metro lines, what people were doing at home, and my connection to call home was weaker. Despite having unlimited data while abroad, the service is incredibly slow and barely loads at my homestay. That's also why I'm so behind on posting for my blog; I had no internet connection at the homestay, and the computers at the center are very hard to use, as I mentioned in one of my previous posts. Not having wifi made me feel very isolated and separated from home, something I didn't think I would feel this time around.
There have been several instances since then that I felt the pang of culture shock again. Twice now when Madeline and I have come home late, expecting our host parents to be in bed, we've found them instead up with guests and having to awkwardly say hello and wonder why they hadn't just given us a warning that someone would be here. The first time it was their daughter, who was very nice and it wasn't too awkward, just surprising. But the second time we returned to find a whole party of sorts going on, with about 10 adult Parisians gathered in the salon, staring at us when we walked in the apartment. Granted, this is their home and they are in no way required to tell us what they're doing every day, but it was jarring to expect one thing and find something the complete opposite.
Thursday of this week may have been the hardest day I've had in Paris so far. It wasn't bad by any means, but after our last dinner on Wednesday and the hour it took us to get home, I was exhausted both mentally and emotionally. Classes went really well, and we took a boat tour on the Seine, pictures that I'll insert here. But I was just ready to go back and vegetate while watching Netflix or YouTube, or to catch up on the three days of blog posts I needed to do, but I couldn't. Our host parents were gone all night for a birthday celebration, so we couldn't ask about the wifi and I didn't want to to risk resetting it and ruining something.
I have this strange need to not look like a tourist while I am here. I know I'm not the only once, because I've discussed this with my friends and roommate here. Obviously, in a dream, world I would come off like a natural born Parisienne, but I know that's not possible considering I only have eight years of French under my belt. So, while I'm here my goal is to fly under the radar while I work on getting more fluent. I want to be able to observe and implement things into my own life without attracting attention that would prevent me from being able to do so. I'm trying to work on accepting the idea that even though I'm a guest in this country, I can try to blend in while still getting the most out of this trip with sightseeing. It's hard to do that sometimes when with everyone in the program, because people are speaking English, and large groups attract attention anyway. I need to figure out how to accept that I am going to look like a tourist, and learn how to enjoy myself even when that happens. But regardless, I'm so incredibly thankful to be here and for the opportunities I've been given. Nothing like this is ever easy, and I'm just a little more aware of that now.